The Fix

Continuing on with talk of "The Steroid Era", I'll tell you what professional sports need in order to get themselves back on track. Will it cost a lot? Yes. Will it change the outlook of pro sports as we know it? Probably. Is it far-fetched, not fully hashed out, and probably illegal? Absolutely.

So, how do we fix this issue? It's a great question that nobody has really seemed to get a firm answer to.

The problem you'll run into is two fold: 1) the steroid producers are like weapons manufacturers. No matter how illegal you make something, they'll always find a way to skirt the legalities. Wait.. that doesn't make sense. Steroid producers are like the mob. They're always one step ahead of the police, and even when they get caught they still get off pretty light. 2) steroids are becoming so undetectable that you'd have to run drug tests every day for the entire year in order to catch someone in the act, and even then it might not work out for you.

These two problems present a dire issue. It seems that we're all doomed to endure through these athletes who feel that their peak performance and personal record book is more important than the overall good of the team, their personal health, and, yes, even the sanctity of their sport. Another rant: can you blame them? I sure can't. In a world where an athlete can earn more money through endorsements than their base salary, why would you not want to be the best in your sport no matter the cost? I'm not condoning it, but I can understand the motive behind it.

I've figured out a way that makes sense and appeases people on all ends of the spectrum. It's a simple plan that can be easily enforced. I call it: embracement.

Yes, I know that's a made up word, but I'm the one writing here, aren't I? Anyway, embracement. How it goes is simple: we embrace the steroid era in the best way possible. We set up the steroid league in every sport. This way any athlete who wants to compete on a normal, hard-working level can stay in the league they're in. Anyone who wants to put their life on the line and juice up like they're Macho Man Randy Savage every day can play in the steroid league. The steroid league would have it's own rules (think NFL Blitz-style rules) and it's own record book. Added bonus, anyone who has been found or alleged to have taken steroids get stripped of their records in the real record book, only to have them copied and pasted in to the asterisk book, the record book for the steroid league.

It's the perfect plan! It solves both of the main issues in the previous post. "Well what about those male and female athletes that still juice and play in the regular league?" I'm glad you asked, randomly invented person. The drug screening process for the normal leagues will be revamped and invented by the steroid producers themselves. Any time an athlete is found to be using steroids, they'll be taken to a secluded location and stoned to death. I think that's fair. If you're dumb enough to not jump over to the steroid league or stay clean, then you shouldn't deserve to live anymore. It's a harsh punishment, yes, but it will most certainly keep people honest.

But how do we keep the steroid producers/testers honest? Easy. For every non-steroid league user they find, they get a cool $1,000 toward their research for the steroid league. For every one who "passes" a test and is later found to be a steroid user, that producer/tester gets taken to a very public location and stoned to death. We need to strike fear in the hearts of these people.

Further, randomly every few months just to shake things up, we'll select 12 random steroid manufacturers and enter them into a hunger games-style fight to the death. They're allowed to juice up before hand and allowed ample time for the steroids to take effect. Then when the last one is standing, we take his product and push it toward the steroid league, cause it's clearly the dominant strain. This is Social Darwinism at its finest. We get the best steroid strain on the market and the regular league gets to keep their standards.

But won't the steroid league be more entertaining to watch and overshadow the achievements of those who are looking to keep it clean? You bet your ass it will. But you can't have it both ways. Either you want a clean game that has the potential to be boring and lacking action, or you want a game where near-gladiators go toe-to-toe every game and pummel the hell out of each other in a show of manufactured brute strength. The points are bigger, the hits are potentially deadlier, and the ramifications greater, but damn it, it would be a hell of a game to watch.